Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
