I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
