he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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