I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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