I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
