I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
