Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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