She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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