i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
