I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
