what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
