I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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