he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
