Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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