im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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