Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
