i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
