don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
