Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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