I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
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At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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