I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
