he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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