My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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