I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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