So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
