there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Pants are for mortals
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
