All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
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I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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