Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
