My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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