fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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