The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the girl whose rug I peed on is here