Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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