My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
