Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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