Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
