He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
