hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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