i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just want to make out with him forever
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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