Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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