my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
