Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
