Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
