Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
