The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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