i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
