I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
