hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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