the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
