my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
