there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
it's like iHOP with fire
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
