My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
