I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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